Peter Pan's Shadow

"O Peter, no wonder you were crying," she said, and got out of bed and ran to him.

"I wasn't crying about mothers," he said rather indignantly. "I was crying because I can't get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn't crying."

"It has come off?"

"Yes."

Then Wendy saw the shadow on the floor, looking so draggled, and she was frightfully sorry for Peter."How awful!" she said, but she could not help smiling­ when she saw that he had been trying to stick it on with soap. How exactly like a boy!

Fortunately, she knew at once what to do. "It must be sewn on," she said.

-J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

When Libby Doodle Doo came to America and joined our family, she brought with her a long shadow that stretched across the ocean and back to China. It is the shadow of her mother. This shadow will stay with her the rest of her life.

My Little Zo Peep has lived for almost six years with her ghostly shadow. And I – as their adoptive mother – reside not only with my lovely girls but also with these Peter Pan Shadows of the unseen women who have created them.

Whenever my girls have a birthday, I can’t help but reflect on their birthparents and – in particular – their birthmothers. I think about my girls’ relationship with these shadowy figures as well as my own relationship with them.

I must admit that I have not always been comfortable with these phantoms. For example, I’ve always talked about adoption to Zo Peep since she was a baby. We celebrated the fact that she was born in China, but for years I never talked directly about the person to whom she was born.

In fact I remember when I would read the popular adoption book, I Love You Like Crazy Cakes to Little Zo Peep and skip the passage about the adoptive mom thinking about the baby’s mom in China.

I couldn’t get my mouth to vocalize the word “birthmother” to Zo Peep. I must have felt that admitting to her birthmom’s existence somehow diminished my own place in her world.

I finally made peace with the undeniable truth that Little Zo Peep was a part of her birthmom and her birthmom was part of the Peep. I couldn’t wish her shadow away, or ignore it or stand in it and pretend that this shadow came from me instead.

The long wait to adopt Libby Doodle Doo brought the issue out in the open. When I told Little Zo Peep (then age 3) about getting a little sister, she first thought the new baby was growing in my tummy. I corrected her and said that the new baby was not growing in my tummy, but instead in my heart.

Of course, that confused her even more. I remember one night I was suffering from severe heartburn and told Miss Zo Peep about it. Her reply: “Mommy, is Libby making your heart burn?”

The fateful day came on December 15, 2006 when we were talking about babies and Zo Peep said to me,

"I didn't grow in your tummy, Mommy. I grew in your heart."

I could have let it go, but I saw this as an opportunity to help her ask the right question. So I said, "Sweetie, my love for you did grow in my heart. It is still growing. But all babies -- you included -- have to grow in a tummy. That's how babies are born."

She hardly missed a beat. "Whose tummy did I grow in mommy?"

So I fumbled and I stammered and I told her about her birth mother in China and how we didn’t know who she was or where she lived.

I was relieved once this information was finally revealed.

Since that time Little Zo Peep and I occasionally talk about her birthmom. I let her set the pace. When she has questions or comments we discuss them.

We haven’t had the BIG talk about why she isn’t living with her birthmom. I know it will come and I will be ready for it (well, I THINK I’m ready for it. Time will tell if I do it well).

I can now read to passage about the birthmom in I Love You Like Crazy Cakes to both of my girls (just did it last Friday). I guess I’m comfortable enough in my own skin as a mommy to share the stage with my girls' other two mommies.

I'm sure that I can talk about Libby Doodle Doo’s birthmom from the get-go as I talk to her about her adoption.

I realize that the shadows of these 2 mothers will always be with us. And sadly - unlike Peter Pan’s shadow - they may never be re-attached to their rightful owner. But I know that if they are not , we will live with their shadowy forms and welcome them as part of our family.

Working 9 to 5 (and the Day Care Blues)

Today Libby Doodle Doo – only 1 month and 5 days since she was first placed in my arms in Nanchang China – is starting full time Day Care as I’ve gone back to full time work.

How sad. Not at all what I had planned.

My adoption leave plan was to use FMLA to take off the first 2 weeks of February and then to work part time (3 days a week) from this Wednesday until the end of March. Libby Doodle Doo was going to start in Day Care this Wednesday and attend on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until I went back to full time work on April 1st at which time she would start full time in Day Care.

But my FMLA plans fell apart about a week and one-half ago. How did this happen? Please view my experience as a cautionary tale. Learn from my mistakes and make sure you work out ALL the details of your adoption leave before you leave for China.

Here’s what happened:

Like many corporations, my company does not give any paid leave for employees who adopt.

My original plan for leave was to save most of my 2007 vacation days and use those for both my China travel and for some adoption leave when I got back. But that plan was foiled when my agency was not able to get us to travel to China in December. We have a “use it or lose it” vacation policy at work – so when my travel was moved back to January I lost the days I had been hoarding.

Up until that time I had avoided looking seriously at FMLA because of the UNPAID nature of the leave. For those who may not be familiar FMLA (The Family Medical Leave Act) is unpaid leave (up to 12 weeks each year) given to employees in the US. To be blunt – I didn’t think I could afford it. I had not saved properly or budgeted properly throughout 2007 to allow myself to take a nice chunk of unpaid time off in 2008.

But FMLA became my only option in December, so I began researching the policy within my company. I found that there were 2 kinds of FMLA – what I’ll call full time FMLA (where you are out for a certain amount of consecutive days) and intermittent FMLA (where you essentially take your FMLA a few days at a time over a greater number of weeks).

I thought that a leave that used both of these 2 types of FMLA would be perfect for me and perfect for the company. I put together a plan right before the Christmas holiday that proposed that I would have me take the first 2 weeks of February off and then I would start back to work part time during the 3rd week of Feb and to continue till the end of March. By using a combination of the Full time and Part time FMLA I would be able to give Libby Doodle Doo some full time attention and let her transition to Day Care gradually. I also would be able to keep my hand in projects from work so that nothing fell through the cracks. Finally, I could start getting paid a partial salary in mid February which would help from a household budgeting standpoint.

Because of Christmas holidays and my travel in January, my proposed plan worked it’s way through several corporation approvals and only went into the department that manages FMLA leave in early February. On Feb 8th that department contacted me and told me that I can’t take intermittent FMLA for an adoption leave. I am only allowed to take full time consecutive leave. It’s still unclear to me if this is a Federal requirement or one that my own company created. But unfortunately it meant that I needed either to extend my full time leave past the 2nd week of February or go back to work full time at that time. When I weighed the financial implications, the needs of Libby Doodle Doo and the needs of my job – I decided that the better choice was to go back full time right away.

So little Libby Doodle Doo was bundled up early this morning and dropped off at Day Care at 7:15 am. She seemed ok with the transition and didn’t cry at all when I left.

I did decide to work from home today just in case she had a meltdown on her first day -- but so far, so good. I called at 11:30 and found out that she had a good morning and was still napping. I’m going to pick her up around 3:30 today. She seems to be an easy-going baby who probably will adjust to this change very well.

I honestly think the transition will be more difficult for me. I really was enjoying getting to know my little one better and I wasn’t quite ready to relinquish her to Day Care quite yet.

Learn from my mistakes. Do your homework about FMLA (or whatever system your company uses) long before your referral comes in. Have a well-thought out back up plan in case your first choice for taking adoption leave falls through. If you need to save your money to make sure you can take adoption leave that you feel is right for you and your daughter, start doing that now. Net, net – Do as I say – NOT as I did.

In the end, Libby Doodle Doo will adjust to Day Care. I’ll adjust to not having as much time with her. I just wish I planned for this important part of my adoption much better than I had.

Adventures in Babysitting

Joseph is a dad in our travel group who is here alone while his wife stays home caring for their other 2 children. Joe has adopted from China before – one of the few people in our travel group who has.

Taking this trip alone is a huge challenge. There is no one to give you a break, no one to take photos of events as they happen, no one to talk to in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. Joe is a real trooper. So put together and doing a great job. The rest of us have been pitching in with photos and stuff and offering to help Joe as much as we can.

The day before yesterday – when Libby Doodle Doo was sick – Joe took me up on my offer to baby-sit his daughter M while he went out to run some shopping errands. He was going to walk to the Nanchang Wal*mart and said that my sister could come along to do some shopping for us – leaving me alone with 2 babies.

Baby M is a lovely child with a very serious, sad little face. Her birth date is very close to Libby Doodle Doo’s but she is much, much bigger than the Doodle. Looking at the two of them, you would think that M is at least 3 months older.

Joe came to my room when Libby Doodle Doo was down for her afternoon nap. He handed M to me, gave me a few instruction and left. I think the last thing he said is, “I know you can handle this, because you’ve adopted before.”

As soon as M arrived in my arms, I could feel her heartbeat begin to accelerate. By the time the hotel door closed and her Baba (daddy) was gone she was already starting to hyperventilate. In less than 30 seconds she let out a blood curdling scream that sent shivers through my body.

Poor thing, she was already bonding to her daddy and she thought that the trauma of Family Day was repeating itself all over again.

Of course her scream woke up Libby Doodle Doo. I put down M to scoop Libby Doodle Doo out of the crib. As soon as M was on the bed, her screams got louder. With Libby Doodle Doo in my left arm and baby M in my right I held both girls simultaneously bouncing up and down trying to calm them.

So I created a little Screaming Stereo for myself. The shrieks felt like they were going to burst my eardrums. Eventually I calmed Libby Doodle Doo down, but it was short lived. One look at M still crying convinced the Doodle that she needed to join back in.

Once upon a time before I adopted Little Zo Peep, I dreamed of receiving a twin referral. “How wonderful,” I thought. “My girls will be so close to each other and I would do all my parenting at one time – wouldn’t that be efficient.”

Am I lucky that the Gods of Adoption never granted me that wish.

I couldn’t seem to get both of them calm at the same time. One would slow down and the other would raise the volume – which only made the first one start up again. I tried diversion tactics – Cheerios – nope. Toys -- nada. Looking in the mirror (actually that made it worse because baby M saw 2 of me instead of 1). Finally, I discovered if we left the room and walked down the hallway both babies would stop crying most of the time.

Carrying one baby up and down and up and down a hotel hallway is tough (I did it a lot with Little Zo Peep 4 years ago). After awhile your lower back starts to hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Your pelvis starts to ache from swaying as you walk. Your neck and shoulders start to cramp up.

Carrying 2 is MURDER. I walked up and down the hallway and back again and knew that -- even though this technique was effective-- I’d never be able to do it for the duration of my babysitting assignment.

I went back to the room and laid both babies on the bed – which undid all the good work I had done in the hallway because they both began to scream again. I put on my Baby Bjorn harness and placed Libby Doodle Doo inside. Then I tried to put M in the stroller. She arched her back, stiffened and refused to go in. So I decided to carry her instead.

I must have looked a sight -- One sick yet mostly quiet baby dangling from a Baby Bjorn with one sock on; another bigger crying baby on my right side with tears running down her face. More than one hotel guest and cleaning person stared at my predicament. And – I don’t know why – something about the way I was walking made my underwear bunch up and give me a giant wedgie. Unfortunately with two hands holding baby M, there was no way for me to readjust myself.

But eventually the technique worked. Baby M calmed down and stopped crying. After a while her body lost its rigidity and she put her head on my shoulder. Finally she was napping. I continued to walk the hallway to assure that she was definitely asleep.

We returned to the room and I laid the sleeping baby M on the bed. I removed my own, nap deprived daughter from the Baby Bjorn and sat her on the bed to eat Cheerios. I patted Baby M as she slept. The next 20 minutes were heaven.

And then Baby M woke up again.

She immediately started crying again – not the banshee fearful cry of before, but a cry never-the-less. I picked her up immediately and started swaying and rocking. She started to calm down. But something amazing happened with Libby Doodle Doo when I did this.

So far I would say that Libby Doodle Doo is bonding with me – but not as intensely as Zo Peep did four years ago. Libby Doodle Doo will happily go to her Auntie A as she will to me – she seems to show no preference. I will say that she isn’t indiscriminate with her affections, though. Although she’ll flirt with other travel mates, she never has raised her arms to be picked up by them – a good sign that she prefers my sister and me over all others. The key is to get her to discriminate between the two of us. Libby Doodle Doo needs to see me as the Mommy and her as the loving Auntie. My sister and I have talked about this and talked about how we need to strike the right balance – we’re not there yet, but we’re working on it.

When Libby Doodle Doo saw me comforting Baby M, swaying her back and forth, patting her back -- she got angry. Really angry. She let out her “I’m not happy with this situation one little bit” cry. She raised her arms to be held by me. I saw this jealousy as a good sign of bonding.

But I knew that my back could not take much more of the “carrying two babies up and down the hallway” routine. I put Baby M back down – which started her crying again. Reinstalled the Baby Bjorn and put Libby Doodle Doo back in.

I tried to put Baby M into the stroller again. This time she let me do it – still crying though. But as soon as the stroller started moving into the hallway, she calmed down again.

So that’s how I spent the remainder of my babysitting gig. Walking the 3rd floor hallways of the Jiangxi hotel with one baby strapped to my chest, another ensconced in a stroller.

Joe and my sister found us in the hallway when they returned from their shopping excursion. I have no idea how long they were gone. My body would have guessed hours and hours and hours – in reality, I think it was probably between 1 hour and 1-1/2 hours.

Joe seemed a little bit surprise to Baby M’s passionate reaction to his departure. Like me he had not yet felt any intense bonding between M and himself.

But Joe and I both learned important lessons that day. I know it’s not true for all adoptive parents, but for the majority of them bonding is seldom a light switch; but more like a dimmer switch. It may take days, weeks – even months – to firmly bond. But every day most new adoptive parents are a little bit closer than they were the day before to establish a strong bond with their child.

On Tuesday both Joe and I saw how far we’ve already come in just a few short days.

So I’m in.

I know that in the next few days I’ll learn about my next child and look into her eyes (via a photo) for the first time.

Now is a good time to reflect on the amazing experience that is about to happen to me.

I’ve complained as much as anyone about the wait to complete this adoption. I’ve been frustrated about information and misinformation from Chinese authorities. I’ve griped, I’ve moaned. I’ve groaned.

But with all that said I am blown away by the notion that China is going to allow me to raise one more of her precious children.

What an honor. What an awesome responsibility. I don’t feel completely worthy of this privilege.
I freely admit I’m not a perfect parent. I make mistakes. I lose my patience sometimes. I’m not as consistent with rules as I should be.

But I do love Little Zo Peep more than words can describe. I know I will feel the same about Libby Doodle Doo.

And despite my flaws, I do try to learn from my mistakes and be better the next time. Every day I shoot for continuous improvement. Perhaps by the time they go off to college, I’ll have this parenting thing down pat.

And I also think a lot about the additional responsibilities I have to parent daughters who are from China.

I want to have both my girls to understand and celebrate their Chinese heritage. It’s not the only thing that defines them, but it is an important aspect about who they were, who they are, and who they will be.

I sadly realize that they will never be truly Chinese again. I'm not Chinese. I can’t raise them in China where their culture will surround them like the air they breathe and permeate their skin to become one with them.

I also realize that they may not be exactly like many other Chinese Americans - because they don’t have a Chinese parent at home who can really teach the nuances of their culture and raise them in the Chinese way.

But China will always play a prominent role in our entire family – not just in their lives but in mine too. We – all three – will forever be a Chinese American family.

And to China I promise to do my best to make you as proud of these girls as I will be.

So as I stand at the beginning of this new path of mothering a 2nd child I want to thank those who have helped me get here and those that will help me in the future.

I’m humbly grateful for the opportunity to do this a second time.

I'm In -- Agency just Called

I can't type. I can't think.

Just got a call from the agency confirming that I'll get my referral in this batch. They don't have paperwork yet -- maybe today or Friday or Monday.

But I'm IN.

Gotta breathe, gotta breathe.

I am In. I am Out. I am In. . . .

Welcome to the 1st week of November (well almost) The Rumor Gods of adoption are starting to rumble in the heavens and are sending their lightning bolts to the Earth below. WATCH OUT BELOW!

In the last 24 hours I had 100% confirmation from one site that the next referral batch will include the 12th of December, 2005 (My date is Dec. 7th). Then in the wee hours of this morning I heard that the cutoff would be between the 5th and the 9th (giving me a 50/50 chance). Then about an hour ago I heard that the CCAA only did 5 or 6 days of LID's (which would mean I would miss getting my referral by one day). Now ANOTHER agency is saying that the cutoff is the 8th (Making me Safe again).

How will this all end up?? Your guess is as good as mine. I thought I’d be on the bubble for a November referral and it looks like that is EXACTLY where I am.

Being on a bubble is NOT a comfortable place to be. Let’s hope this bubble doesn’t pop below me. I want to see the face of my Libby Doodle Doo in the next week.

Feathering the Nest

It’s October 28th. The countdown has begun. My referral (if it comes in November) will probably be here at the end of this week or the following week.

So for the last month I’ve started to get serious about preparing for a new baby. Here’s what I’ve been doing lately:

Starting this blog –I’m trying to post every week now, but finding the time is a challenge. It makes me appreciate the many bloggers who I have followed for the last year who post regularly – where do they find the time???

In addition to the content issue, I still don’t think that this blog is formatted exactly as I want it to be. Plus, there are items that I want (a visitor counter, etc) but I can’t figure out how to add them. I think I’ll have to learn about HTML to get the layout the way I want it. All in good time. I’ll get one of my techy nephews to teach me how to do this stuff. Update: I couldn't sleep last night and got online. And -- although I probably didn't do it in an elegant fashion -- I managed to add the site counters. Yeah!!

Also in the last couple weeks I’ve started to list my blog when I post on other sites. How Scary!!!! How can I describe the feeling I have since I started doing this? It’s like washing your underwear in a public Laundromat – the kind of underwear that you probably should have thrown away months ago. I feel vulnerable and a little embarrassed.

Fortunately, I still am anonymous because it looks like no one has ventured into the site yet (well I don’t know for sure because I haven’t installed a counter yet. No stranger has left a comment yet. Update: My newly installed counter indicates I have been visited by people in the Web World -- Welcome!). I think to get any non-family/friends visitors I’ll have to work up the courage to announce the blog on a small site – like my LID group. I want to do that before the referral comes in. Wish me luck.

Sorting through Little Zo Peep’s baby stuff. -- With the help of my trusty babysitter Kristen, I’ve begun to take inventory of baby stuff to determine what I need to buy and what I can reuse. So far, I’ve ordered a new highchair and stroller. I’ll need a new car seat too, but want to wait until I find out how big Libby Doodle Doo will be.

Clothes fall into that “wait see” category too. I have a jillion outfits left over from Zo Peep, but the winter stuff is size 12mo or higher (I adopted her in late April, so I didn’t need small-sized winter clothes). I’ve purchased a couple 6mo to 9mo winter outfits, but I’ve left the tags on until I find out if I’m buying for a 6 mo old, a 9 mo old, a 12 mo old or a 2 year old ( or whatever size she may be).

If Libby turns out to be 12 months or older, I’ll still want to do some shopping for her and not just re-use all of Z’s leftover clothes. As the 2nd daughter and 3rd child in my family, I know all about hand-me-downs. I wore both my older sister's AND my older brother's castoffs. I want Libby to have some things that were bought especially for her. Also I think some items – socks, tights, shoes, etc – should never be handed down. I’ve already thrown out some of that stuff and given the gently worn items to shelters.

Getting the room ready – Libby Doodle Doo and Little Zo Peep will share a room – Libby in her crib (depending on her size), Zo Peep in a full size bed. For the most part I haven't done much with the room yet. I had the room painted this spring and am beginning to rearrange furniture. Once again I'm adopting a wait-see attitude until I can confirm age and gender (although I'm 90% sure I'll get a girl).

I’ve purchased a couple things to put in the room. I got some original artwork from a local artist and framed it. I just ordered letters to spell out Libby’s and Zo Peeps proper names above each of their beds. Zo Peep's bed was painted by a local artist friend. When we cleaned out my mom's house last year I claimed the dresser that matched the bed. I'd like to get my artist friend to paint this dresser in the same wild animal motif as the bed. (Here's a close-up from the bed that she painted).

My anticipation for a referral is at an all time high. I hope this week won't bring disappointment.

PRE- Traumatic Stress Disorder

I'm starting to freak out.

I'm coming close to becoming a mother of two. The next step in my adoption is to be matched with my new daughter (called the "referral" in adoption-speak). This referral may happen as soon as the first week of November and will surely happen before the end of the year.

That means that I'll be getting Libby Doodle Doo in the next few months. And that prospect currently has me scared to death. Lately, I've been asking myself, "How in the world can you possibly raise 2 kids when some days you can barely handle 1?"

I had this same anxiety when I adopted Little Zo Peep. In fact on the plane trip over to China, I was fantasizing about landing in China and telling the adoption officials that I had changed my mind about becoming a mother and that I would just spend my time in their lovely country vacationing for a week or two. Did the anxiety pass? -- YES.

When I told people about adopting number 2, some folks shared the wise counsel that "You know, raising two kids is more than twice as much work as raising one." Not the words of encouragement I was hoping for.

And then I did the math over the weekend. There are 168 hours every week. Currently I am scheduled for 161 of those hours. How am I EVER going to fit a second child into my life? Little Zo Peep is a willful, high maintenance child. How will I EVER cope with her sibling rivalry issues? How will I deal with additional Childcare calamities; burgeoning expenses; a plethora of childhood illnesses (that I always seem to get) and the everyday paternal anxiety that a second child will surely bring?

I guess the simple answer is that I intellectually know that I will. Emotionally I'm not there yet -- at least not this week. I hope this stress will pass soon. It's sucking some of the joy out of my days and nights lately. I want my referral to be a time of celebration and I need to work through these concerns to be able to enjoy the special moment that a referral is meant to be.