Peter Pan's Shadow

"O Peter, no wonder you were crying," she said, and got out of bed and ran to him.

"I wasn't crying about mothers," he said rather indignantly. "I was crying because I can't get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn't crying."

"It has come off?"

"Yes."

Then Wendy saw the shadow on the floor, looking so draggled, and she was frightfully sorry for Peter."How awful!" she said, but she could not help smiling­ when she saw that he had been trying to stick it on with soap. How exactly like a boy!

Fortunately, she knew at once what to do. "It must be sewn on," she said.

-J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

When Libby Doodle Doo came to America and joined our family, she brought with her a long shadow that stretched across the ocean and back to China. It is the shadow of her mother. This shadow will stay with her the rest of her life.

My Little Zo Peep has lived for almost six years with her ghostly shadow. And I – as their adoptive mother – reside not only with my lovely girls but also with these Peter Pan Shadows of the unseen women who have created them.

Whenever my girls have a birthday, I can’t help but reflect on their birthparents and – in particular – their birthmothers. I think about my girls’ relationship with these shadowy figures as well as my own relationship with them.

I must admit that I have not always been comfortable with these phantoms. For example, I’ve always talked about adoption to Zo Peep since she was a baby. We celebrated the fact that she was born in China, but for years I never talked directly about the person to whom she was born.

In fact I remember when I would read the popular adoption book, I Love You Like Crazy Cakes to Little Zo Peep and skip the passage about the adoptive mom thinking about the baby’s mom in China.

I couldn’t get my mouth to vocalize the word “birthmother” to Zo Peep. I must have felt that admitting to her birthmom’s existence somehow diminished my own place in her world.

I finally made peace with the undeniable truth that Little Zo Peep was a part of her birthmom and her birthmom was part of the Peep. I couldn’t wish her shadow away, or ignore it or stand in it and pretend that this shadow came from me instead.

The long wait to adopt Libby Doodle Doo brought the issue out in the open. When I told Little Zo Peep (then age 3) about getting a little sister, she first thought the new baby was growing in my tummy. I corrected her and said that the new baby was not growing in my tummy, but instead in my heart.

Of course, that confused her even more. I remember one night I was suffering from severe heartburn and told Miss Zo Peep about it. Her reply: “Mommy, is Libby making your heart burn?”

The fateful day came on December 15, 2006 when we were talking about babies and Zo Peep said to me,

"I didn't grow in your tummy, Mommy. I grew in your heart."

I could have let it go, but I saw this as an opportunity to help her ask the right question. So I said, "Sweetie, my love for you did grow in my heart. It is still growing. But all babies -- you included -- have to grow in a tummy. That's how babies are born."

She hardly missed a beat. "Whose tummy did I grow in mommy?"

So I fumbled and I stammered and I told her about her birth mother in China and how we didn’t know who she was or where she lived.

I was relieved once this information was finally revealed.

Since that time Little Zo Peep and I occasionally talk about her birthmom. I let her set the pace. When she has questions or comments we discuss them.

We haven’t had the BIG talk about why she isn’t living with her birthmom. I know it will come and I will be ready for it (well, I THINK I’m ready for it. Time will tell if I do it well).

I can now read to passage about the birthmom in I Love You Like Crazy Cakes to both of my girls (just did it last Friday). I guess I’m comfortable enough in my own skin as a mommy to share the stage with my girls' other two mommies.

I'm sure that I can talk about Libby Doodle Doo’s birthmom from the get-go as I talk to her about her adoption.

I realize that the shadows of these 2 mothers will always be with us. And sadly - unlike Peter Pan’s shadow - they may never be re-attached to their rightful owner. But I know that if they are not , we will live with their shadowy forms and welcome them as part of our family.