Kid-sona Non Gratis

Before I even adopted Libby Doodle Doo, I realized that I probably have built-in empathy for her. After all, she is the second child and second daughter in our family. I am the third child and second daughter in my family. I know what it is like to be the second daughter in a family. I realize that Libby Doodle Doo potentially faces a lifetime of hand-me-downs, limited baby pictures and constant comparison by teachers of her model older sibling.

But, surprisingly, the kid who is getting lots of my sympathy lately is Little Zo Peep.



When I decided to adopt again I thought that it would be healthy for Zo Peep to learn how to share the spotlight. What I’ve observed in the last few weeks is that this little girl has done way more than share a spotlight. It is as if Little Zo Peep has been pushed completely offstage and – in some ways – has become a persona non gratis.

Although I’ve seen examples of this phenomenon for the last few weeks, it really became evident to me in the last week. For example last Saturday we attended a a dinner to celebrate Chinese New Year. This event was hosted by a playgroup/support group made up of adoptive families. Chinese babies are a rarity these days at adoption events, so Libby Doodle Doo was the center of attention at the dinner. People ooohed and ahhhed. They just wanted to be near here. Some wanted to hold her. Miss Libby Doodle Doo just lapped up all the attention.

Zo Peep sat next to me silently as a parade of people visited our table. For the most part she kept her head down and played with her food. Occasionally she would tell the latest visitor how she’s already lost one tooth and is close to loosing a second. When she did this the person would politely acknowledged her and then would go back to admire the baby. After the umpteenth person came to our table to see the baby, Zo Peep tugged at my sleeve and said, “I’m going to go sit with my friends. Is that ok?” The poor kid. I let her move over to another table.

It happened again this week on Tuesday. Zo Peep (along with another girl, Zo Peep is R) danced at my company’s Chinese New Year celebration. Imagine being 5 years old and dancing in front of 100+ or so people. Zo Peep worked really hard to learn this dance and she really did a good job. She was enchanting (if I do say so myself). But for every person who came over to her and praised her performance, it felt like 10 people came over to gush about the baby. She took it in stride – although when she was asked if she likes being a big sister, her answer was, “Not really.”

Although she displays moments of sibling rivalry, I know that Little Zo Peep loves her sister. She’s affectionate and attentive at home. She’s played with Libby Doodle Doo and entertained her in a loving and appropriate manner when we are out and by ourselves.

It’s the reaction of other folks that seem to cause sticky situations for us. I don’t blame other people because I know that it's common to make a fuss over a new baby. Just about everyone likes babies—its natural. And the Doodle is an engaging sociable baby to boot.

I am trying to help Zo Peep deal with the natural attention that Libby Doodle Doo will create. I’ve asked a few friends who are coming over to see Libby Doodle Doo to try to spend some time making Zo Peep feel special too. And some people (without any prompting from me) have been kind enough to send Zo Peep some “big sister” gifts. Those special acknowledgments have helped and will help her get used to the fact that her little sister will continue to be the center of attention for awhile.

I know that Little Zo Peep will get through this rough spot and will be a more altruistic and confident little kid because of it. I don’t want to coddle her, but I do wish I could make this transition easier for her.