We Are OK

We’re All OK

Let me ease the minds of those who have written and expressed concern about my lack of posting. Libby Doodle Doo, Little Zo Peep and Mama Hen are just fine.

I’ve written and re-written this post a half dozen times in the last couple weeks. I kept on rejecting what I had written because I thought it wasn’t right – either the post was too whiney or too depressing or too angry.

Here’s the scoop – I may be losing my job.

Before I became a single mom, I had two deep-seeded fears. First, I was afraid of dying young and leaving my already-orphaned-once daughters alone again. Second, I worried about whether I could financially provide for my two children (and myself) completely on my own.

Thankfully my health is really quite good (although I should really lose some weight) and -- God-willing -- I hope to watch my girls graduate, dance at each of their weddings and hold my grandbabies in my arms some day.

But here I am staring into the face of my second Big Fear. Finances have always been a struggle for me. I never realized how expensive raising kids would be (especially childcare). I’ve kept my head above water, but have not saved as much money as I had hoped to in order to provide for their future and to have a cushion in case of family emergencies.

And – with the possibility of job loss hanging over my head like a guillotine -- we may be facing a big family emergency real soon.

Without going into too much detail – the situation at work is extremely stressful. The company formally announced the intention to do massive layoffs (they call it right-sizing) by September 1st of this year.

I have reason to believe (based on some things that happened before the formal announcement and since then as well) that I’ve been earmarked to be let go. I don’t know for sure if I’m on the list, but I feel very, very vulnerable.

The events leading up to the formal announcement in late May and the situation since then have put me into a tailspin. Looking back on the last couple months, I have gone through a myriad of emotions. I feel like a case study for Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I’ve felt denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – sometimes in the same week.

I’m most ashamed of what this period has done to me as a Mother. For the last few months I haven’t embraced the joy of being a mother to these two very special daughters. I’ve been impatient, petulent, distant and short with my girls (especially poor Little Zo Peep). I certainly am NOT in the running for any Mother of the Year Award this year.

We’ve been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and I’ve found some moments of peace and perspective. I’ve also found some snippets of time to start editing all the video footage I’ve shot in China and at home. Reviewing this video has helped me to rediscover my passion for motherhood and to appreciate the very special gift I’ve been given by becoming the mother of Little Zo Peep and Libby Doodle Doo.

So on today – the 4th of July – I declare Independence from fret, worry and self doubt. Whatever the next few months bring with my work situation, I’ll get through it with the help of my family and friends and the love I have for my lovely daughters.

For the couple of you who may still be visiting this site, I have a special treat for you. Later today, I’m going to post a video of my first meeting with Libby Doodle Doo. It still makes me cry everytime I view it. So grab a box of tissues and check back later today.

Theresa