“You Are Leaving Zo Peep Behind???”

The above is the shocked answer I’ve received more than once when telling loved ones, friends and co-workers that Zo Peep WILL NOT be going to China with me to get Libby Doodle Doo.

I know that my position has surprised and disappointed several people. They understand that Zo Peep is the center of my world and they don’t understand why I would pass up this chance to allow Zo Peep to experience such an amazing journey and family-altering event.

I thought long and hard about this question. I know that my decision is grounded in what I think is best for my family. Now please don’t misunderstand me -- I am not criticizing parents who decide to take older siblings along with them to China. I think each family makes the decision that is right for their particular family.

It’s just that I haven’t seen much information from parents who have decided to leave their children at home. In my 2+ years of waiting I have seen a lot of viewpoints on Yahoo Groups, Adoption Forum, and at Support meetings on why you SHOULD bring older siblings with you to China.

So since I hold an opposing view, and since I will probably have to explain this to Little Zo Peep someday, I thought I’d write down the reasons why I came to a very different conclusion than the decision reach by many other adoptive parents.

1. I see this trip as a time to build the bonds between Mother and Baby – not baby and older sister. Don’t get me wrong – I love the fact that Zo Peep will have Libby Doodle Doo and Libby will have Little Zo Peep forever and forever. I know that they will have to bond as sisters and that they will need time to do that.

I just see that the First and most enduring bond that needs to be established is between Baby and Mother. I don’t want anything that will divert my attention or will divert Libby’s attention to make that happen. I love Zo Peep to pieces. But if she came to China with me, she would command attention from me and attention away from Libby. I also think that Zo Peep will draw Libby’s attention away from me.

I understand that bonding won’t be completed after our 14 days in China – but I believe that 14 dedicated days with just Libby and me will build a good foundation for bonding once we get home.


2. Every parent needs to assess the temperament of a child to determine if a grueling trip like the one from the US to China and back would be feasible or put a child into a major tailspin. Zo Peep is a good traveler on short hauls – 4 hours or less. She’s less resilient on longer trips. I think she would be completely out of sorts on a trip of this duration and with this much alteration to her regular schedule. So I fear that if Zo Peep came with me I would have a 5 year old that would be in a perpetual state of meltdown.

I also am 100% positive that Little Zo Peep will have MAJOR sibling rivalry issues. How couldn’t she? She has had my undivided attention for 4+ years. If I had to choose, I’d rather deal with Zo Peep’s sibling rivalry issues on our home turf than in China. Being home when this inevitable drama unfolds seems to give me at least a little control over this mostly uncontrollable situation.

3. As someone who has made this trip once, I know that it is important to plan for the unexpected. I expected my first trip to China to be something out of a Hallmark special – a little crying and whimpering from Zo Peep on Gotcha Day, but then smiles and giggles and sweet, exotic memories. After all, I’m an experienced international traveler – how bad could it be?

It was BAD, Very Bad.

I was in China during April/May 2003 at the height of the SARS scare. I saw very little of China except the inside of my hotel. Little Zo Peep was sick for our entire time in China. My sister – who traveled with me --was sick the entire time in China. On top of her sickness, Zo Peep was inconsolable for the first 2 days I had her. She never stopped crying. I never stopped walking her up and down the hallways and lobby of our hotel. She wouldn’t eat. She wouldn’t take a bottle.

On day 3 she bonded with me and began to eat, but she still would scream non-stop if someone else held her or if I put her down. During my Consulate Appointment – when children stayed behind – Zo Peep screamed (And I do mean screamed -- her face turned purple and her voice went hoarse) for 2+ hours for my sister.

The trip was stressful and – at times – very unpleasant. I expect that my second trip will be better since I am an experienced mommy now, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be some curves thrown my way. I think I can deal with the unexpected better if I don’t have Zo Peep with me to complicate matters.

Of course, since I’ve decided to leave Little Zo Peep behind I probably WILL have a Hallmark-moment trip. Libby Doodle Doo will probably be fit as a fiddle, bond with me in the first ten minutes and we’ll giggle and smile our way through China.

I will probably be kicking myself 100 times each day that I did not bring Zo Peep with me. Oh well, I’m willing to accept that possibility.

I’m composing a post about how I’m planning to stay connected to Zo Peep throughout the trip. Look for that information soon.